As promised in the last post I wanted to write an article outlining a 10 question examination that companies should give employees to determine if they are a douche bag.  If the employee answers ONE question with the answer yes, then they are not hired or they are fired on the spot.

This should be more important than a drug test.  Douchebaggary is actually contagious and needs to be stopped. 

There are different types of douchebaggedness.  There is the douche bags’ that pop their collar and talk in the third person when hitting on chicks, there are gym rat douche bags, bad driving douche bags, slow walking douche bags and there are work douche bags.

This exam is only set up to deal with the work douche bag.  I will give a brief explanation after each question as to the thought process behind that question. 

If you think I need to refine the questionnaire please feel free to comment and I will adjust.  There are all types of douche bags out there and it is tough to narrow the questionnaire down to 10 questions.  So if I missed something, feel free to fill me in.

Thanks! 

PS – It is important that we get this out there, so companies can begin to ask these important questions. 

We need to get it right so we can put an end to douche bag bosses and douche bag employees.   I do not support oppression, but douche bags need to be quarantined off.  I know I used it before, but maybe we can send them all to New Jersey.   It seems to be filled with douche bags anyway. 

Without further adieu:

10 – Do you own a bowtie?  Y/N

If you own and wore a bowtie to work or a social function you are a douche bag.  I am saying just one bowtie.  If you own multiply bowtie you need to tie them all together and shove them straight up your ass.  I really hate bowties.  They look stupid, the people who wear them know they look stupid but they wear them anyway so people walking by will look at them as comment on how stupid they look. 

“Hey look at me, I am showing you how many buttons I have on my shirt!”  Pack your bags douche bag, because you are fired!

9) Do you consider yourself a feminist?  Y/N

Walt goes political

Women are not exempt from being a douche bag.  As a matter of fact, the people that have made me the most insane happen to be female bosses.  I am not saying all female bosses are terrible.  I think most are great.   There are a select few that are very caddy and are not afraid to stab you in the back if it betters themselves.   These women are constantly trying to prove themselves to the ‘old boys club’ and members and they feel constantly threatened.  I found that in each and every instance these women considered themselves feminist – so to me all feminist have serious workplace issues. 

8) Do you feel it necessary to wear a sports jacket/coat when the office is on a jeans dress down day? (Y/N)

Walt and Sport Jackets don't mixI don’t even need to explain this.  If you are not comfortable wearing jeans and a polo/golf shirt and you feel it necessary to wear a sports coat with jeans – you are the ultimate douche bag.  I don’t even need to get to know you.  You may be cool, but I will never find out. 

I will do a once over and just go about
my business and not even talk to you.  

7) Do you have a propensity to ask questions just for the sake of asking questions? (Y/N)

This is probably the most defining question on the list.  If you are in a meeting/training with partners or the higher ups in the company and you feel it necessary to ask a question just to get noticed, then you are the biggest work douche bag on the planet.  There is no helping you. 

Questions are the worst, period.  Questions at five minute to five o’clock are absolutely unacceptable.  You deserved to have ever person that you just made SIGH in frustration dunk your head in the nearest toilet – preferably after someone has filled that toilet with stinking poop. 

6) Do you feel it necessary to discuss work at a happy hour? (Y/N)

If you can’t have a non-work related conversation with a co-worker you are a douche bag. 

5) Do you feel it necessary to talk about how busy you are? (Y/N)

This is only a concern when it occurs during the following three scenarios:  1) When EVERYONE is just as busy.  Listen we all are going through it.  That is why they call it busy season.  I do not need to be constantly reminded of how busy you are.  It only reminds me of how busy I AM.  2) The person only seems to discuss this in front of leadership (even if they do it ‘nonchalantly’).  3)  Everyone around them knows that this person is not busy.  This usually accompanies number 2 they just feel the need to discuss how busy they are, even though everyone around them hears their 48 personal phone calls, sees them arrive at 9:30AM and leave at 4PM daily. 

4) Have you ever begun a conversation with the following words “In my experience”? (Y/N)

The only reaction that this sentence induces is everyone collectively rolling his/hers eyes confirming that you are a douch bag.

3) Do you have the notion that when you are promoted to manager that administrative duties are not your responsibilities?  (Y/N)

I am going to give you an example of what I am talking about.  I did a little experiment with a Manager I just started working with.  This guy kept sending me an email reminder to set up a meeting invite with him to discuss the status of the client I was working on. 

The email would be quite detailed about what we were to discuss.  It took him longer to write the email, then to go into Microsoft Outlook and create a calendar invite to send to the both of us (which takes about 48 seconds to complete).

After the first few emails, I realized that this guy was sending me emails that were essentially requesting me to send out the same information in an email back to him. 

So I started ignoring his request to see how long it would take before he would just send out the freaking calendar invite to the both of us.  Two weeks ago I got EIGHT emails reminding me to send out the calendar invite (the meetings were only for he and I). 

Finally, he informed me that he would send the invite and that he realized that I must be “too busy” to do it.  You know what he did?  He had his Administrative Assistant send out the meeting invite!   How crazy is that?  So he sent out 9 email messages to two different people to get a calendar invite out in Microsoft Outlook.  That is douchebaggedness at its finest! 

2) Have you ever requested a meeting to discuss an upcoming meeting?  (Y/N)

Having a meeting about a meeting is just redundant.  This happens to me at least once a week.  On top of that, we usually have the meeting to discuss the upcoming meet.  Then we attend said meeting, then we have a post meeting to discuss what happened in the meeting! 

The worst part about this whole scenario is I probably only hear every 7^th word spoken, so I have no idea what is going on.  I can only pray that it is a lunch meeting so I at least get a free meal out of it.

I also had someone just request a status update on the status update that I send to the client daily.  So this person wanted a status on our status.  LOL!!!

I really hate people. 

1)      Do you feel it necessary to work late just for the sake of working late?  (Y/N)

We all know these people.  They stay at work late just to prove how busy they are, or to prove to the client that actual work is being performed; even though this person usually doesn’t start actually working until 4:45PM.  They come in to work in the morning, surf the web to see how their fantasy teams are doing until 11:38AM, then figure out what they are doing for lunch, they take a two hour lunch.  They make a few non-important phone calls.  Then they go to the bathroom for 37 minutes, take two cigarette breaks.  Then they finally open up their work for the day. 

If this person is your boss, and you attempt to leave at 5:30PM or 6PM they look at you like you just clubbed a baby seal. 

These people are the biggest douche bags in the world.  Their lives ARE WORK and should not be an indictment on the people that actually know how to socialize and have families that they actually want to go home and see!  Or friends that they want to hang out with.   

These people are the biggest work douche bags in the whole wide world! 

Walt is back on the road again for work and he doesn’t miss this.  My hotel room last night didn’t have the Flyers-Bruins game (not that it mattered) and it only has Showtime. 

The weird part about Showtime is for some reason the voice/dialogue and the action are not matching up.  There seems to be about a 2 or 3 second delay in the dialogue so it is hard to follow.  I actually got dizzy trying to watch it last night. 

So I flipped through the channels and nothing was really on.  That is the problem with hotels – you only have 14 channels to choose from.  This is how Walt gets caught up on history.  Walt always winds up watching the History Channel or Discovery or ESPN Classic (to catch up on old WWF matches). 

I noticed something crazy last night.  There is a subway commercial that has about 10 different athletes and, of course, stupid Jared on it. 

CC Sabathia says “Only a screwball would pass on a deal like this!” and Michael Phelps follows that up with “This deal really makes a splash!”

Are you fucking kidding me?  This is the best these writers could do?  It has to be a room full of retards writing this stuff.

There are only two avenues for commercial like this:

A)     The above mentioned, where the writers think they are being cleaver but they are really insulting the four people who actually watched the commercial.

B)      The correct ways to do it – the writers need to be completely over the top with corny sayings that it becomes instantly comical.  For instance – on top of Phelps saying “This deal really makes a splash!” He needs to follow it up with “It makes me want to DIVE right in” then say “Subway is the GOLD standard of hoagie making” 

CC can follow that up with “Even though I make eleventy-nine million dollars, I feel like I am finally CATCHING a break.”  Then you can hire a famous gay dude from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, or the skater Johnny Weir, or if he is available Tom Cruise, to finish the commercial up with the saying “I love stuffing my face with MEAT”. 

Done and done! 

On last note before I get started.  I went for a run yesterday morning at the “gym” here at the hotel.  (It was more like a closet with two treadmills in it). 

I got up super early and hoped on a treadmill.  There wasn’t anyone around and it was perfect.  I get about 30 minutes into my run/fast paced walk (he-he) and this dude comes in and gets on the elliptical walker that is right next to me, even though there was another elliptical walker open that was farther away. 

I normally wouldn’t mind this, but there was only the two of us in there.  There isn’t any exercise equipment etiquette like there is urinal etiquette but I thought there maybe some unwritten rule about this.  

The reason I bring this up?  The dude REEKED!  I mean he smelled like the combination of a raw onion, bad Indian food, dog shit and musty fumunda cheese. 

There is no way he couldn’t have smelled himself.  I almost passed out.  I had to cut my run short and leave the room before I threw up all over myself. 

This guy either never uses deodorant or he only packed on workout outfit and he was re-wearing the outfit for the ninth consecutive workout without washing his sweaty ass clothes. 

This is a note to all of you smelly ass dudes out there – check your self before you leave to go anywhere.  It is only proper.